World Cross Country Championships in Poland

I witnessed some truly breath-taking performances last weekend at the World Cross Country Championships in Bydgoszcz (BID-gohshch), Poland. This middle sized city in the northwest quadrant, located at the confluence of the Vistula and Brda Rivers, somehow landed the bid to host runners from over 50 nations in a competition to see who was the best off-road, middle-distance runner. In actuality, it ended up to be a competition to see which teams could produce the second best harriers worldwide since Kenya swept all four individual race titles, and won all four team championships at the junior and senior levels. These guys were FAST! And the U.S. women's team finished with the bronze medal in the women's senior division, but were definitely gold medalists in the aesthetically pleasing division.

Is that you John Wayne?

Again, one of those extraordinary opportunities came knocking at my door a few months ago. And by extraordinary, I mean this to be a virtually impossible occurrence for me if I was back stateside. But here in Polska, it is the land of opportunity if you happen to have the right accent. An almost surreal experience it was, but for unmentionable reasons, I decided to let this simmer for a time before publishing in the Chronicle.

Prior to getting the call up to the big show on the silver screen, my acting resume consisted of only this. My one blazing moment of profanity, err, I mean, glory. This had been a spinoff of a magazine shoot for the Warsaw Frogs rugby team, and was one of those "right place, right time" lucky breaks.

Last November, a casting agent stopped by one of our practice sessions looking for American voices for a film. Apparently there is a shortage of them here in Warsaw, or agencies just don't know where to look. In any case, this makes my terrible acting abilities in high demand as long as I can remember my lines and not take two many photos for the Chronicle while on the set. Fortunately, this role only required me to give a campy rendition of an American soldier leading his troops on a search for an escaped terrorist. My lines: "You are surrounded. There is no escape. Drop your weapon and come out with your hands up!" Later, this struck me as odd, being that the dangerous man we were on the hunt for, Muhammad, probably only spoke Arabic. But I guess you have to suspend disbelief at some point for any movie. There was also a command into a walkie-talkie "Roger that. 13.2 west." which I couldn't quite say without sounding too much like John Wayne. At least this is what the director's assistant said. What the hell does he know about John Wayne anyway? The guy grew up here. Besides, as I explained, all American soldiers think they are John Wayne anyway. I'm guessing they'll do a voiceover on that one.

Me as a commanding officer in the Marines. Now that was a stretch. But once again, throw all that logic stuff out the window when watching action movies. If Arnold can play a kindergarten teacher (Kindergarten Cop), Sly Stallone a cabbie turned country singer (He was overlooked by the Academy for Rhinestone opposite Dolly Parton), and Bruce Willis, a sperm (Look Who's Talking!), then surely I can have a turn at being a soldier.

You saw the Bourne movies right? A friend of mine, upon seeing me in these pictures, quipped: "Is this the fourth installmet in the Jason Bourne series, entitiled Bourne Retarded?" Pretty clever. I must say that I felt pretty awkward in this getup but as long as the check clears, I'm just going with it.

This filmshoot was apparently the real deal, a movie that should actually see the big screen outside Poland. It also was directed by Roman Polanski's contemporary, Jerzy Skolimowski, who was a pretty nice guy. I tried to bond with him over coffee in the make-up trailer, but he really wasn't one for small talk. Really the only thing we have in common is that we both like Poland. So we got that goin'. I'm sure he'll invite me to be his guest at Cannes.

I never got to meet the star of the show, Vincent Gallo, but apparently he really throws himself into a role and there is no limit to how far he will go to push a scene past the limits of good taste. I won't elaborate any further but this film should be pretty shocking. I'm doubting it will hit the big screen at a megaplex near you but there is some footage from when they shot the first part of the movie in Israel.

My scene consisted of me commanding a platoon of 22 Marines, including two snipers and eight German Shepherds. It was the only light moment of the whole film and if I don't end up on the cutting room floor, I will get ahold of the DVD and hope to post some footage, if for only the opportunity for my buddy Joe to heap more merciless criticism on top of my pseudo-thespian abilities. Weird times, as usual over here in Polska.

In the news . . .

Lately things have been a bit slow around here for news in Polska. We had a few people have their cars destroyed by falling icicles, right around the corner from where we live. These old buildings aren't so efficient in their insulation so you get a situation that looks like this.

People worldwide are falling in love with a wayward pooch that stowed away on an ice flow in the middle of the Baltic:

One of Poland's greatest heroes, more famous for being the world's most accomplished lifter of heavy objects (a.k.a. World's Strongest Man on ESPN) has gotten bored with the fact that giant steel balls and kegs of sand do not put up much of a fight. So Mariusz Pudzianowski, a.k.a. "Pudzian" to those familiar with his work, has entered the world of Mixed Martial Arts, or "Ultimate Fighting". Here's footage of his first fight, that was mercifully stopped before he could crack this poor guy's skull. As they as say before every episode of Desperate Housewives, viewer discretion is advised. That means you Mom!


Although we have had a harsh winter with copious amounts of fluffy white stuff, we don't tend to mix our snowsports with a healthy portion of vodka. Our opressed neighbors to the east of us, however, tend to become a bit depressed during the dark days of winter and take some drastic measures to entertain themselves. I remember doing something similar as a youngster but I was never so drunk and definitely not as high (pun intended).