Don't piss off Letterman . . .

Thanks to my Mom for giving me heads up on this one. Some really funny stuff from Dave last night. The guy was on fire! Enjoy . . .

T.V. Guide

I've been surviving without television for quite some time now. Despite being one of those kids who lived for the Thursday night lineup on NBC (Cosby Show, Different World, Cheers, and the very underrated Night Court), I was able to wean myself off the tube during my years spent in Boise. This stemmed more from my inability to afford basic cable on a teacher's salary than from some conscious decision to put down the remote and participate in life. Okay, I did spring for high-speed internet and spend an alarming amount of time clicking the mouse, so to speak.

Viewing choices here in Poland are limited for the linguistically challenged. You can catch American movies on every night, but must train your ear to ignore the monotone recitation of the dreaded "lektor": the deep-voiced Pole who is doing his best impersonation of James Earle Jones. Unlike countries in western Europe, where they hire individual artists for overdubbing each actor's lines, there are identical utterances heard for each role.

However, there is one thing I enjoy about Polish television. They have no qualms about showing liberal amounts of skin, no matter what time of day. Last night, for example, I was treated to at least a full two minutes of Demi Moore's silicon enhanced torso (cleaning it up for the younger readers)in a scene from her 1996 smash hit about exotic dancing with Burt Reynolds. And of course, dropping the dreaded "F-bomb" during prime time is certainly no big f'ing deal. It's akin to me appearing on Sesame Street and saying "K*#@a!", the mother of all Polish swear words. In deference to my Polish readers, I will refrain from such profanity in future postings.

Yes, you will never see a Nipplegate scandal here in Poland. As Luiza says, there are some "pretty strange American rules" about television. "Not German, not British, not Polish, ONLY American rules." I think this probably pertains to the rest of Europe too.

Two programs that I have thoroughly enjoyed recently, despite the language barrier, are "Mam Talent" (you have talent) and "You Can Dance". Yes, I realize that these are blatant rip-offs of shows produced in both England and the U.S., but they are infinitely more entertaining. Like their predecessors, both of these shows rely on the delusional for comic relief. We all derive some twisted pleasure out of seeing somebody make a fool out of themselves and then become enraged because they believe the judges just can't see how really gifted they are. Only mom and dad, or some incredibly desperate life partner still believes in them.

Here are a couple clips from Mam Talent. The first is of my dark horse candidate for bringing home the title, Sssssnake. Pay attention to the Gene Simmons inspired tongue-flicking. He made it through to the next round. All he needs to do to push him over the top is swallow a live field mouse on stage. It would be Game Over for all the other contestants. Ssssnake, if you're a reader of the Chronicle, I am a big fan! Oooops, no more youtube clip, but you can find the vid HERE.

Of course, there was the obligatory little girl with the big voice act. These always make the judges cry. She really is cute, but I don't think she holds a candle to Britney Spears on Star Search:


As for "You Can Dance", here is my dark horse contestant, Justyna. The judges loved her, ahem, "spunk", so much that they kept a running dialogue with her for five minutes. I think these two guys have been hanging out at the Bulgarian Embassy in downtown Warsaw.

But the man to beat is Jakub, who made the judges cry. He's gotta shave the awful peach fuzz beard if he wants to win. It's as bad as my attempts at facial hair. Okay, almost. Have a good weekend!

Deleted Scenes . . .

Sitting home sick today. If there's one thing about Polish docs, it's that they always err on the side of caution and usually recommend AT LEAST 3 days off, no matter what your ailment. I hope this is the one and only day I need for the antibiotics to destroy these little sinus infection bugs.

Congrats to my cousin Chad who got married last weekend. Here's a pic of all the cousins at the wedding. Click on it for a closer look. They had a photo booth which certainly allowed for some great candids. Looks like everybody is having a great time. Wish I could've been there!

I rescued a few short clips and pics from my camera and decided to throw them together in a short video. It's just a little window into the last couple months. Summer with the family, beach rugby, school field trip, and the George Clinton concert. Don't get too dizzy during the bicycling portion . . . I did. Or maybe it's just my stuffed up sinuses.

So much inspiration, yet so little perspiration.

My literary fire has been more of a weakly glowing ember lately. It could be that as the weather gets colder, and I actually have to get up and go to work in the morning, the energy reserved for conjuring up slide shows and penning some random whimsical thoughts just isn't available. Maybe a nice picture of my childhood heroes Ponch and John will help. It could be just random enough to trigger some semblance of creative thought.

On a side note, to all my readers in Canyon County, Idaho, (that all 2 of you!), please remember to get out and vote in November. I hope that when I return to Idaho, the state will have faded from blazing red to a more pleasant shade of light blue. I know it will never be New Hampshire, after all this is the state that elected Larry Craig and Bill Sali. However, I was happy to hear that my good friend and mentor, Mike Warwick, is running for State Representative. He doesn't think he stands a chance but knowing how many young minds he has influenced over the last 20 years, I disagree. You can check out his site here.

The ASW middle school cross country season is under way with yours truly at the helm. Not sure that my flabby carcass deserves to be coaching such a fine bunch of youngsters. I don't exactly look svelte after inhaling paella and drowning in sangria all summer. The damage was evident on Tuesday as I lost a 3K race to a couple kids on my team. To make matters worse, one of them was a sixth grader! I could have easily kept this a secret from you, dear readers, but I feel by publicizing my defeat, I just might turn things around by Christmas. Otherwise, I won't be needing that pillow to play Santa this year. Keep me in your prayers, and also pray that Alaska gets a $30 billion natural gas pipeline. Amen! (please watch this, it's unbelievable!) This lady could be one missed heartbeat away from being President.

Why isn't anybody worried?

Greetings from the front lines of the new cold war. Yes, it looks like we are headed for another chilly relationship with our old friends to the East. Our former friend Vlad is none too happy that Georgie has decided to install some missiles here in Poland. And our fine feathered friend, Lech "The Duck" Kaczynski has been thumbing his nose at Putin every chance he gets. He even took a trip to Georgia to show support for the "victims of Russian aggression". Check out this CNN clip if you are confused:



Amid all these charges and counter-charges, nobody has bothered to suggest I flee Poland ahead of the impending invasion of the Red Army. Actually, I suppose it can't be called that anymore since the Russian flag bears no resemblance to the crimson banner of the Soviets. Too many colors on the current flag to assign a name like that. It's still interesting that not even my mom has called to voice her concern over a possible nuclear strike.

The Kielbasa is a bit confused as to why GW would want to go through all this trouble pissing off the Russians for the purpose of protecting Europe from the Iranians. This was agreed to before the devil went down to Georgia. Sorry, had to reference Charlie Daniels, since I'm sure that there are those from the American Deep South that fear for the safety of Atlanta's citizenry.

Dear readers, you can take comfort in the fact that there are no trips to Moscow planned for this school year. My two coaching assignments require travel to Albania and Hungary. Last time I checked, we were still on good terms with both countries. But then again, you never know what kind of reckless endangerment is planned for the last 4 months of this Presidency. Look for our naval fleet to set sail for the shores of the Balkan Peninsula anytime soon. Sorry to cut this short, I have to go find my nearest bomb shelter. Thanks for reading!

P.S. Maybe it's time for Sly Stallone to begin production on Rocky 7 . . . it worked before.